1. Always wear a condom.
Like duh. Duh duh and OHMYGOD DUH. There are so many freaking things that can infect, inhabit, and eat away at your genitals that it’s just not worth taking a chance. Also, if you get a scary sore on your genitals go get it checked! Alexi Wasser’s awesome blog reminded me of this recently and it is so so true. Who cares if it turns out to be an ingrown hair? Better that than ignore it till your lymph nodes start exploding out of your skin.

2. Don’t take a rock-a-billy guy home. Ever.*
Pomade is really hard to get off bed linen.

3. You are better than that shit.
Sometimes ‘that shit’ is the douchebag you’re with, the insane behaviour you’re exhibiting, or the shitty job you’re in; whichever it is you’re better than that! Think about it! Putting up with a ‘alright’ or downright cruddy life, or partner, means that you are saying that you’re not worth any more. Don’t you deserve to live your best life now? (I love you Oprah!) Aren’t you the most amazing person you know? Why not? Everyone has ugly bits of their body, have you ever seen Megan Fox’s thumb? Everyone is an annoying, nagging shrew sometimes, it’s ok! Flaws are what make us adorable! I hate to go all summer of 69 on you all but seriously you are amazing. Maybe you’re not all amazing all the time but it’s like Dr Manhattan says: “Millions upon millions of cells compete to create life for generation after generation until… against unfathomable odds it’s you, only you, that emerged to distil so specific a form from all that chaos. It’s like turning air into gold.”

4. Revenge is neither satisfying nor dignified.
One of the all time lows in my life was having a friend wrestle me to the floor to take my phone away while I screamed profanities into it. This was after an ex made the mistake of leaving me an abusive voicemail then not picking up when I called him back. The message I left him? I don’t even want to think about what it said but it definitely involved the words ‘fuck you you fucking motherfucker I will cut your head off and spit down your neck if you ever call me again’. It didn’t make me feel any better by the way, I just felt depressed that I’d let him get to me, and annoyed I’d recorded something so utterly mortifying.

5. When times get bad sing Jennifer Juniper to yourself.
It’s better than valium I swear.

Photo by Matthew Feyld. *Advice by Money For Jam

Ah syphilis! Catch this and you’ll be in the company of Baudelaire, Wilde, Hitler, Nietzsche, and my number one historical hunk Beau Brummell. Easily treated, but difficult to spot, syphilis is often mistaken for dozens of other ailments, and incorrectly treated due to its relative current obscurity.

It starts with one, or more, small painless sores (chancres) on or around your genitals. Now before this feature becomes regular I want to make one thing clear, sores on your genitals are never good. Ever ever ever. If you see any, even a tiny eeny weeny one, go and get it checked out immediately. Do not wait to pass go and collect £200, get to a clinic stat!

Of course, there’s a difference between an ingrowing hair and a sore, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, and you can always pick up free condoms while you’re there so it won’t be a wasted trip.

Back to the sores. So it starts out with a sore, and stupid here doesn’t notice it, or fails to get it checked. The next thing you’ll be suffering from is either a skin rash, a sore throat, and possibly tiredness and a headache. Aka what most people feel like every damn day. After this your symptoms will dissappear and you will feel well for anything up to years, however the syphilis could return, causing your face to become deformed, open sores to form on your body, and your genitals to look, well, there are pictures out there, google them if you dare.

Ironically syphilis is extremely easy to cure in the early stages, a simple shot of penicillin, and it’s gone. Avoiding it is even easier: use a condom, properly, and every time.

So remember if you see a sore on your vagina you may well be about to die from syphilis so get it checked out! Or die. It’s your choice.

Picture from Wikipedia