I fucking love the idea of matchy matchy dressing with my boyfriend. In fact it’s something I try to trick him into doing regularly, but he’s yet to fall for it and was rather annoyed with me when we left his house last weekend in almost matching scarves. I, conversely, punched the air with glee.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want us to look like creepy twins, or like that couple who wear one red one green Converse each that Alexander Fury keeps seeing in Tesco, but there’s something fun and ridiculous about being part of a secret gang of sorts who wear the same clothes and do the same shit. I love secret gangs: I used to wish when I didn’t have anyone to ride my bike with that I could get a whole gang of friends and dress them up in leather jackets, then we’d ride around and maybe find a secret island like in Swallows and Amazons, and hang out there for the afternoon. Come on! Who doesn’t want a secret gang? Handshakes and haircuts, secret words and songs, imagine it!

If you think about it being in a relationship with someone is a bit like being in a secret gang as long as you do it right. The best things about secret gangs are how everything cool you do is exclusive and under wraps. So if you and your boyfriend call each other pet names, or have private jokes, it becomes 100000000% less cool and fun when you say them in front of people. This goes double for dressing up. While Halloween is the one day of the year this advice/rule/whatever can take a hike, I want you first to look at Dough Reinhardt’s face and think twice before you dress as the tooth fairy and a… ummm…. depressed molar?

I find that most people and pets find being dressed up like an amusing toy incredibly humiliating no matter how much I’m, er I mean, you’re enjoying it which is a damned shame. Although, duh, your boyfriend isn’t a toy some days it would really be a lot better if he just let you do his mascara, draw a glitter lightning bolt on his face, and squeeze into some co-ordinating platforms, because then the two of you could act out some sweet as fuck Bay City Rollers videos. Or you could wear matching suits and pretend to be city boys. Or put on wigs and pretend to be Lady Gaga and her reflection. The possibilities are ENDLESS.

Just remember the secret gang’s rule: keep it indoors, because then no-one can laugh at you.

Pictures from Fuck Yeah Cute, I Love Pugs, and Jezebel

I was 9 years old when I first read Nana. I was on holiday and had run out of books, so picked up the novel my Dad had just done with and tucked in. On first read I fell in love with the childish, impulsive, somewhat cruel, Nana and the heady perfume of her theatrical world. My first encounter with her was as she walked out onto the stage almost naked for her theatre debut at the tender age of 15. The hush of the crowd followed me through the book as Nana fucked, fought, and froliced with almost every male who run across her path. While she can hardly be considered to be a heroine in the heroic sense, and Zola is often at pains to point out how ignorant or immature she is, the sheer determination to make someone of herself is leaves its mark on even the hardest heart.

At the age of 9 I could hardly understand the not so subtle sexual tone of the book, but I loved Nana for bucking the system in every way she could, and having a bed surrounded by blue drapes and carved cherubs. Now, having read the book countless more times I love her pig headedness, her sharp tongue, and her girlish gaudiness. Had she been moved from the 1800s to now, I’d like to think her look would be perfect for any hopeful cocotte.

While Nana is a courtesan and proud of it she is always anxious to distance herself from the street walking friends she once had in looks as well as attitude. So while her taste runs to gaudy, (and what can be gaudier than D&G?) she is also effortlessly chic in that sickeningly Parisian way that I can only dream of. The main effect of a Nana-esque look should be a polished exterior concealing the minx within. Or rather as Henry James said: “instead of saying of Nana that it contains a great deal of filth, we should simply say of it that it contains a great deal of nature.” and you can’t go wrong when you act natural…

Further reading:
Wikipedia
Amazon

Every time I see a make-over show or article one of the biggest questions is “What should I wear on a date?” and inevitably the same black dresses get wheeled out, a pair of boring mid-height heels, and an oh so risque neckline gets slashed into the top of a dress. Yawn yawn yawn. Dressing up for any occasion should be about fun and japes! Stop thinking about what will cinch your waist in or deflect from your big thighs and wear whatever the hell makes you feel happy and look amazing.

In this vein I have decided to start plundering some of the best date-worthy looks from my favourite movies, starting with Rachel out of Blade Runner. Now, admittedly, I watched half of this on a tiny telly at ATP back in November, and the rest of it yesterday afternoon, but I can firmly say that style wise this is one of the best films I have ever ever ever seen. Rachel’s sharp retro-futuristic look is to totally die for.

See? Even as someone who doesn’t normally wear shoulder pads I am salivating over that suit. Although the steep lines and close cut may seem hard to handle, there’s nothing better than the savvy cut of a tight skirt to make you swing your hips as you walk. Here are some pieces to take Rachel’s razor clean tailoring from the celluloid world into date territory:

Ossie Clark Casino Crepe Blouse
Bottega Veneta Cropped Shearling Jacket
Gabrielle Silk-Satin Shorts
Gabrielle Silk-Satin Soft-Cup Bra
Jaeger High Waist Skirt
Miu Miu Satin Platform Pumps
Temperley Pyramid Bag
Black Leather Gloves from Start London

As for the make-up, well, ok, there’s a lot of it, but hey, if it’s a first date ‘look don’t touch kind of thing’ (I hear they happen…) then you are totally in luck.

Thick brows, dark smudged eyes, and flushed cheeks provide a striking backdrop for the most delectable scarlet glossy lips. Just grab the items below and start working on your best thousand mile stare.

Bobbi Brown No Smudge Mascara in Black
Benefit Non Fiction Liquid Foundation in Volume 1
Shiseido Eyebrow and Eyeliner Compact in BL2 Deep Brown
Nars Blush in Super Orgasm
Smashbox Jet Set Waterproof Eye Liner in Midnight Purple
MAC Lipglass in Russian Red
Nails Inc Nailpolish in The Hurlingham
Benefit Velvet Eyeshadow in Rich Beach

So there you go, no LBDs, nude lipstick, or control underwear, just pure genetically engineered hotness!! Now all you have to do is get out the hairpins and anchor down those ginormous victory rolls…

When I was a kid I told my mum that when I grew up I wanted ‘a red car, red dress, and red stilettos’ much like, it turns out, Cassandra in Wayne’s World. Though she looks totally sweet in a hair metal groupie sort of way, and I have always admired the work of Bebe Buelle and Sable Starr, I’ve found over the years that I’ve gravitated towards clothes with much less stretch lace, and a lot of bows and ruffles. Gradually the older I become the more childish my clothing choices. Only the other day I was thinking about getting my hair cut and the only photo I could find that in any way related to what I wanted was the youngest girl from The Chronicles of Narnia. Looking at that photo I would actually kill to own that cardi and dress too. Phwoar. Amazing.

Although wearing childish clothes could imply I’m some sort of infantilised, sexless, girl-child, forever trying to recapture a youth I never really had, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t want to start deconstructing my outfit choices because I dread turning this post into Pseuds Corner, but it seems that both men and women are obsessed with judging people on the way they dress. It is apparently imperative that we all have a distinguishable look, one that is solid, unchangeable, and instantly recognisable. There is not scope for moods, changes of attitude, or concessions to comfort. If you want to look sexy, and attract men for one night stands (it appears) you need to wear something short, tight, or low-cut, and preferably all three. If you wear glasses you could maybe be a ‘sexy secretary‘ (extremely NSFW link!!! hint: it features a video of Sasha Grey) but if you fail that test you’re relegated to quirky, cutesy, or worse: interesting. Wait, you can only be one of these things by the way! If you were both things surely that would mean you were not only sentient and possibly interesting but also a sexual creature. Madness. We all know these things can’t go hand in hand.

I’m not saying men get off much better than women in this ridiculous charade, however the manners in which men have to dress to be considered sexy, seem to be a lot less time consuming than they are for women. Really everyone gets a bum deal, forcing us all to either feel dour and neutered or constantly on and aware of our sexuality. What we need to do is recognise that much like with sex itself different things can make different people’s heads turn. Whether its a ruffle along a neckline, or an pea-coat hitting a hipbone at a certain angle there’s something to float everyone’s sartorial boat.