5 Things Not To Do If You’re Lonely.

1. Call an ex.
Speaking to your ex will only make your current singledom all the more unbearable, and if you’re foolish enough to meet up bad things could happen. Worse than sex things. Like telling him how lonely you are, how much you miss him, or that you think you’re (still) in love with him. Or you could do all that WHILE having sex with him! Eek!

2. Go to the cinema.
While a good film can pull most people out of even the darkest moods, going when you are feeling like Bubbles without Michael is a terrible idea. Almost every film has a romantic subplot, and crying over Couples Retreat or Crank 3 is only going to make you feel more pathetic than you need to.

3. Tell a friend who has a boyfriend that you’re lonely.
While this person will, at first, be all ears and you’ll feel like your black little heart is about to be unburdened, you will eventually feel obliged to ask how their boyfriend is, and then that crashing feeling will smother you again.

4. Clear out your room.
It might seem like a good idea, out with the old, in with the new, that crap, but once you start uncovering all the books and t-shirts he lent you you’ll be sat, a gibbering wreck on the floor wailing about dying alone with cats.

5. Log onto Facebook.
Why let an endlessly updated stream of other people’s happy lives mock yours? Oh look! It’s Clara and her boyfriend snuggling in Devon on a long weekend. Isn’t that lovely?

Look, just light a fag, crack open a beer, and scream along to Live Through This till you think you might puke. You can thank me later.

Photo by Dash Snow.