Ever since I can remember I have been scared of fish, molluscs, sponges, and basically anything that lives in the sea. I am also scared of people who have really wiry beards. While we’re not here to talk about all my many and varied phobias (rapid motion photography, being touched by a stranger’s hair, photos of bacteria, etc etc) we are here to talk about STIs and whenever I hear about someone catching crabs I imagine their pubes looking like something out of More Joy of Sex, crawling with tiny crustaceans, and then I have to be sick.
Obviously crab lice aren’t crabs they’re just lice that look a lot like crabs, and they don’t just have to live in your pubes, they can also live in your eyelashes. That is the first fucking thing wiki told me. Does it want me never to have sex again? Crabs in your genital area will look like nits, however unlike nits no-one will tell you “They only like to live in really clean places you know?” and instead will gag and wretch when you say you have them. Unless you’re at a sexual health clinic, then they’ll probably be really nice and smile and nod. There are two ways to get rid of them: chemicals and shaving all your pubes off. The latter could even lead to you getting more sex as I hear some people are into that, but most of the time it just leads to ingrown hairs and more scratching…
While crabs are gross and deserve to die a chemical death asap, they don’t do anything terrible to you in the long run, and aren’t preventable unless you turn all the lights on and have a good check before you get down to it which would be a bit of a romance killer. So you, me, and the rest of the world, are going to have to get to grips with the idea that our nether regions may, at some point, be home to a band of merry wandering parasites looking for a good home and deal with it with dignity. Unlike my friend John who once bellowed at me in the street “Have you ever had crabs? Willow gave me them and they’re making my sack itch like fuck!”
Wikipedia article on crabs, photo from Spongebob Squarepants.
2 Comments
Your friend John is wrong. WRONG. Also, in general, the idea of insects living on you? WRONG.
He was scratching himself as he said it too. None of the people at our busstop really wanted to stand near him after that.
Nits, crabs, any parasite is a disgusting thought really. However I hear there are hundreds of bacteria that feed on us all the time and that’s pretty horrible too.