Was That A Date?

It seems that with some friendships, no matter how platonic they start out, sex lingers in the background. After all you get on so well that taking it a step further is only natural, right? Asking a friend out on a date would be strange so testing the waters by engineering a ‘not date’ is totally understandable, right? Right?

Wrong.

Everyone gets lonely and loneliness can make you crazy, wistful, horny, weepy, or all of the above: what’s important is how you act on your feelings. Real friends are happy to give you a hug and sympathetic ear without turning it into a sloppy grope-fest. It might feel like they know so much about you and how you feel deep inside the sad cave that is your soul, but only because you’re telling them every two fucking seconds. Of course they’re sympathetic: they’re your friend! That doesn’t mean they’re game to have a poke on. Go on OkCupid, take a friend to a bar and have a pulling competition, whatever. Just don’t destroy a great thing for a few hours pashing.

Forgetting this key point is when the not date occurs and it can happen two ways: by mistake or on purpose.

I really want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and say that most of the time it’s a mistake. A few drinks, a bit of dancing, and what started out innocuous is now a raging ball of hormones and vodka. However, thinking with your desperate genitals is never the answer.

As your beer boner rages, take the opportunity to have a time out: smoke a cigarette, go for a wee, do your hair, buy another drink, fuck it - anything to get away. Think about how valuable this friendship is to you. This could be the start of a love story or the end of a friendship: it’s your call.

If you choose to take the plunge then own it! Go back in and say, “I am so lucky to have an amazing friend like you and I’m glad we hung out like this. This might sound strange but I really want to kiss you right now.” Or, you know, something less cheesy. Whatevs, it’d probably work on me. If they’re freaked out laugh it off. You can always cry later.

Now if you planned this hoax of an evening then shame on you. Shame. On. You. No-one wants to feel like they’ve been strung along, so have some balls and admit what you’re up to. Use that cheesy line or blurt it all out stream of consciousness style until they start snogging you to make it stop. Again, the worst that will happen is they tell you they’re not interested.

The friend on the receiving end of unrequited love might feel awkward. They might stop hanging out. These things happen. It can hurt hard and you might wish you’d never taken that chance. The only thing to do is think how you would have felt with that secret burning away and be grateful that you know they are not interested so you can stop wasting all your energy loving them. It may sound callous but there is nothing to be gained from pining after someone if they have made it clear they do not feel the same way. Packing all those feelings away neatly never to be opened again is hard, really fucking hard, but in the long run it’ll be worth it because one day you’ll find someone who makes you want to set the world on fire and you won’t find them while standing outside your old crush’s window blasting Peter Gabriel.

Basically what I’m trying to say is if you value that friendship more than anything then leave it alone. If you two are meant to be then it’ll happen, just give it time! You need your friends more than you need bumming, so respect the fact that they don’t try to put their hands down your pants every three seconds for the wonder that it is and stop humping their leg!

Beatles Badge Photo by Leo Reynolds, painting by Yoshitomo Nara.